best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
