didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
