i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
