Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
