why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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