he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My ATM looks so different sober.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
