Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
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