Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I am available for nakedness
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
