sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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