I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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