I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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