so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
