Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
