I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Randomize
