so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
