we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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