She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
