time to smoke my breakfast
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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