dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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