Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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