I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
please come you make the beer taste better
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
