The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
