Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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