It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
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I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
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Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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