you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
