I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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