He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
