if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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