Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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