Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
