all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just found a bag of teeth...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
