Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
