First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You took a bar mat shot.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
