i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
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I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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