so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Operation Purity has been aborted
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
