Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
