Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
