You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize