i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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