this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
