saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
