VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
