Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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