So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed