I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!