Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug