I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
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Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
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A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.