I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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