We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
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There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
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You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.