I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I puked a lego.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
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He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.