I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
