Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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