This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
