got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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