now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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