I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Who died my cat blue again?
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