I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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