i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
