I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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