my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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