i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Can you bring me the toilet please
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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