How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
