Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
