I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
