you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize