I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
